you were there.

daddy.
do you hear me?
father.
can you see me?
you are so big.
and i am so small.
why would you listen to my voice, when the angels sing your praise?
why would you look past my guilt and shame, when you are surrounded in glory?
why would you walk with me, when stars and galaxies bow before you?
father.
can you feel my pain?
why would you choose to feel my pain, when the pain of others’ is greater?
why would you choose to take away my heavy burden, when wars and famine rage against your children?
i feel so selfish.
my cries feel conceited, my sorrow feels petty.
but you do not think so.
how is it, that an infinite God would embrace a finite man?
father.
how is it that i can call you father?
you who formed time, and fashioned music?
you who crafted joy, and painted the universe with love?
how can my mouth, ridden with the stain of greed and hate, sing praises to you who spoke the cosmos to existence?
how can my hands, broken with regret and responsible for violence and filth, move upward in expression to you who never began, but simply always was?
you always were.
before my pain.
you were there.
before my joy.
you were there.
before i breathed my first breath.
you were there.
before i had heart surgery when i was four months old.
you were there.
before i made my first friend.
you were there.
before i lost my first friend.
you were there.
before i gave my life to you but didn’t really understand who you were.
you were there.
before i threw my first of a thousand fits of anger.
you were there.
before that time when i hurt myself so badly riding on a bike and bled and cried.
you were there.
before i started highschool and struggled with insecurity and feelings of worthlessness.
you were there.
before i attempted to run from you while in denial that i was running from you after highschool.
you were there.
before i indulged myself in the world and filled my mind with lies and lust.
you were there.
before i began fighting anxiety and fear.
you were there.
before i struggled with slipping into alcohol addiction.
you were there.
before i struggled with doubt that you existed.
you were there.
before i walked back to you and found that in you all my fears were made to nothing.
you were there.
before i was.
you were.
you were always there.
and you are here now.
and you call me child.
and you tell me to call you father.
what a beautiful name.
daddy.
you hear me.
you see me.
you are so big.
and i am so small.
but you are here.

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