tears fall afresh and my heart breaks again.
what a horrific monotony.
what a terrible curse.
these thoughts drive me.
these emotions master me.
confusion is my friend, and fear is my lover.
why do i love them so?
i hate them.
but i cannot let them go.
like overgrown children they make me look like a fool, like an overprotective mother.
i should not have them any longer.
but what will i do when they’re gone?
where will my thoughts rest?
where will my emotions flee to?
have i made them my identity?
have they become more than me?
who am i without them?
am i me?
or am i just?
i am more than me.
i am more than than fear and confusion.
my identity is greater than my thoughts.
i am not found in my emotion.
i am found in Him.
oh, how i long for it.
with every breath i thirst for more.
for freedom is not complacent or fixed.
it is not a destination you ever fully reach but a friend you walk with.
it grows with every choice.
it gets deeper with every longing cry.
freedom is the open sea and i am a diver, unable to find the bottom of it.
for it is all around me.
it is beneath me.
it is above me.
it surrounds me.
it is my very presence.
but still, i need more.
and so He is with me.
a prodigal father, spending lavish amounts of riches and grace on me, a wanderer.
because He values me.
because He thinks i’m great.
because He sees my potential and knows that i am not a waste.
because, more than His own life, He loved me.
and what is more freeing than that?
and fear and confusion may be my night, but He is my morning.
and His dawn is what i seek.
“So tell them, ‘This is what the LORD of the Heavenly Armies says: “Return to me,” declares the LORD of the Heavenly Armies, “and I will return to you.”
-Zechariah 1:3 (ISV)