And lies are like old movies you can’t stop watching.

And a voice, weak but bold, bursts through my fake masks and walls of false security and whispers cunningly in my mind that I can’t do it.
And my mind agrees.
And my emotions are persuaded by memory and false logic, lies, that this is true.
I can’t do it.
I’m not strong enough.
I don’t want to continue.
I don’t have the capacity to fulfill what I’m called to.
I can’t keep going on like this.
I don’t have the stamina to continue this madness anymore.
I don’t.
I can’t.

How can I endure this trial any longer?
When will it cease Lord?
When will the sea stop its raging?
When will the miracle come?
When will the night be over?
When will my tears cease?
When?
When?

For I am just a child, remember.
I don’t know how to do this thing called life.
I don’t know the secrets to finding my way through this labyrinth of my thoughts.
Help me, Lord.

This season is bright, and full of promise, so why is the ground so hard?
Is it spring, or just a warm day in autumn?
Is winter coming, or summer?
I cannot tell.

I sift through the thoughts.
Most I recognize, others are foreign to this land.
And I welcome them boldly, while softly hating their acquaintance.
I wish I could shut this door of my mind.
I wish I could lock the gate of my emotions.
But I can’t.

Memories run like tired movie reels; I am the old man at the matinee, watching the same movie I’ve seen a thousand times before, because I don’t know how to say goodbye to this old theater.

This old theater used to be my home.

I can’t do it.
I’m not strong enough.
I don’t know how to live like I need to.
Where is the morning?
Where is the fertile ground?

Perhaps it is all a lie, and I already am in the morning, and standing on well-tilled, fertile ground in the spring.
Perhaps.

But still I doubt.
Still I fear.
Still I watch.

Am I lost in my addiction, or am I addicted to being lost?

Save me from this season Lord.
Save me from this ground.
Save me from this night.
Save me from this theater.
Save me from myself.

For I cannot save myself.

2 thoughts on “And lies are like old movies you can’t stop watching.

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