your favorite color is red.

close, we become even closer.
i swear i can smell you.
i swear i can hear your voice speak to me at night.
i swear i feel your gentle, strong hands upon my frail form as i walk this earth.
no other relationship has given me such intimacy.
no other friendship has given me such joy.
joy inexpressible bubbles up within me, threatening to destroy all the walls i have built.
i ask you questions and you answer.
i talk to you and you listen.
you tell me your favorite color and i tell you mine.
we walk, hand in hand.
you sing me a song and i sing you one.
we talk, hours on end.
you dance for me and i dance for you.
the world turns a shade brighter, and colors i did not know existed come out in full display as we become closer.
close, we become even closer.

then, suddenly, darkness.

i can see, but i have chosen blindness.
i am healed, but i have chosen pain.
i am saved, but i have chosen to be lost.

why?

i call your name, and you come running, but i cannot feel you.
i cannot see you.
i cannot hear you.
the voices are loud, my eyes strain, and my hands reach forward desperately trying to find you beautiful form.
and i barely touch your cloak when tears come rushing out like rampant waterfalls, and i cling to the hem of your garment crying out for forgiveness.
i have been unfaithful!

forgive me, friend, for i have forgotten your voice.
forgive me, lover, for i have loved another.
forgive me, LORD, for i have lost sight of your throne.
forgive me, tender God, for i have worshiped another.

and in my dirt, in my mess you lift me up and clutch me close to your heart.
i can hear it beating.
such mercy destroys my logic, such love ruins my understanding.
i do not understand it, nor will i ever.
give me the strength to be faithful, for i cannot do it without you.
give me the courage to love you, for i cannot do it without you.
give me the fortitude to follow you, for i cannot do it without you.

i cannot.
but you can.